Whenever a particularly salacious, disgusting or ridiculous news story breaks out, my friend Secret Blogger and I like to predict whether it will be made into a Lifetime Original movie, and episode of L&O: SVU, or, in some cases, both.
I’ve outlined below some of the basic ranking criteria we will use to rate news stories. While these guidelines are not legally binding to NBC or Lifetime, I do hope executives at respective parent companies GE and Walt Disney take note and follow our handy rules of thumb.
Criteria for Episodes of SVU
• The crime takes place in New York City.
• Rich high school students who attend a fancy prep school involved.
• Hookers or strippers trying to make it in the Big City.
• Deliverymen, taxi drivers or restaurant wait staff are initially suspects, always found innocent, and usually provide key eye witness testimony unknowingly.
• Assigned case detective is a loose cannon who may or may not let this case cost him his badge.
• Proves people are, at the core, dirt bags but luckily NYPD always saves the day.
Criteria for Lifetime Original Movies
• The crime takes place the Hamptons or a “Wealthy suburb” of any major American city.
• Rich high school students who attend fancy boarding school are involved.
• Kidnapping victim raised as a different person, but secretly knows the truth about their identity.
• Key player in crime older white man, possibly lawyer, definitely businessman. Smokes, drinks at office and gym while wearing track suits. (Could be played by Brian Dennehy.)
• Hookers or strippers trying to pay for their college educations. (Could be played by Kellie Martin)
• Ruthless villain who will protect his/her secrets at ALL COSTS.
• Proves truth is stranger than fiction.
The Gold Standard: Both SVU and Lifetime
• The crime involves multiple hidden identities, families and/or careers.
• A social networking site such as Facebook, MySpace, or even Friendster reveals many clues.
• Teachers are involved in love triangles with parents, students or other teachers.
xoxo Mysterious Blogger
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Don't forget Second Life or any other internets-based platform where people create avatars. Since people are generally creeps, their avatars are usually them x 10 (ie TOTALLY INSANE) and can sometimes cause them tons of problems in their real lives.
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