Turns out Clark Rockefeller's Story is Hilarious

I did end up tuning in to the encore presentation of Lifetime Original Movie "Who is Clark Rockefeller?" last evening. I watched on my couch alone, wearing a snuggie while drinking a cup of tea and snacking on a mini Snickers bar. If you were wondering whether I'm destined to die alone, surrounded by 10 cats, I think the previous sentence answers your question.

Moving on, I still plan on sharing my thoughts on the movie in a blog post, but more urgently, I need to tell you about some details of Clark Rockefeller's life and times. I read a Vanity Fair profile of him titled "The Man in the Rockefeller Suit," and it confirmed that he is indeed one of the top candidates for profile by Lifetime, ever. His "talents", habits and the ridiculously absurd details he dropped into casual conversation about himself are a true work of art. Per the Vanity Fair article, here are a few examples:

• When asked if he'd like to meet future wife Sandra Boss, he replied, "Of course." In fact, he would like to throw a party for her in his apartment. It would be a Clue party, based on the board game in which the players are guests at a mansion who try to determine which one among them killed Mr. Boddy, their millionaire host.
• He spoke several languages fluently, including Klingon, the language of the Star Trek warrior race.
• Once, they went to a club that had a grand view of the skyline. Gazing out the window, the friend exclaimed, “Oh, look, Clark, you can see Rockefeller Center from here!” And he reached into his pocket and pulled out a key, and he said, ‘Yes, I have the key right here!’
• One day he came home to say he’d had an unpleasant altercation with a woman in Central Park while walking the dog. Soon the police came to the apartment to speak with Rockefeller about the incident. Shortly after that he announced that he didn’t want to live in Manhattan anymore.
• He told one [lady friend] that he was the model for the effete and phobic Dr. Niles Crane character on Frasier.
• He told her [another lady friend] he was 40, a Yale graduate, and a single parent with a seven-year-old daughter, produced by a surrogate mother. He was on his way to China on a business trip for his work as a nuclear physicist, and had just come from giving his daughter’s class a one-hour tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
• He texted yet another lady friend the following: “In a submarine. Crowded. Strange. Thought of you a minute ago.”

I don't even know where to start. The fact that he invited his wife on their first date by creating a Clue theme party at his apartment, casting himself as Professor Plum? Genius! (Note to universe: can this happen to me, please?) The fact that he sends texts from crowded submarines? Amazing! Most of all, the fact that most of the time, people did not explode with laughter in his face upon hearing stuff like this? Truly astounding! I salute you, Mr. Rockefeller*!

*I should also mention that he probably killed some people back in the 80's, so it's not all fun and games. Killing people is bad.